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Refereeing blunders now even more exciting than James Bond and aliens

By Jonny Abrams

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The Horsehead Nebula
Horsehead Nebula… Typical nu-fans (Img: ESO)
Officiating errors are now even more enthralling than James Bond and aliens, according to anyone who was watching Sky Sports’s self-styled Super Sunday yesterday.

The Sunday, Super, led to a nationwide outbreak of frenzied tweeting and texting as Liverpool panto villain Luis Suarez had a seemingly legitimate last-minute winner ruled out in the 2-2 Merseyside derby draw at Everton, before Manchester United’s highly fortuitous 3-2 win at Chelsea gave rise to so much flaming hot controversy that alien beings from the Horsehead Nebula took the unprecedented step of transmitting signals to Nasa which, once decoded, appeared to read “OMFG did you see that??”.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a randomly selected earthling confirmed that he no longer gave two hoots about the new James Bond film Skyfall on account of its lack of hugely contestable red card decisions.

He said: “I was really looking forward to watching Daniel Craig’s latest portrayal of the nation’s favourite super sleuth, but there’s little point now given that I’d most likely spend the duration of the film debating Fernando Torres’s red card and Chicharito’s winner with my fellow cinemagoers.

“The whole aliens making contact with Earth thing is pretty cool too, and I can’t wait to see what Gary Neville has to say about it, but as far as I’m concerned the very definition of 21st century Cool Britannia would be an image of a match official scratching his dome with the tip of his index finger and lolling his tongue as if to say, ‘Duuuuhhhh, which way did he go?’

“I wasn’t much of a patriot until yesterday, even after all the Olympics business, but now I’m considering going travelling just so I can stroll around foreign lands with my head held high, proudly declaring that yes, I am English, and yes, we do have the finest refereeing screw-ups – and therefore, in the Premier League, the finest sporting product – in the whole world.

“I’m not even kidding.”

A spokesthing for the Horsehead Nebula confirmed that they shall be sending delegations to whichever matches are next refereed by “the great Mark Clattenburg and Andre Marriner” with a view to commissioning some form of intergalactic FanZone forum.

It quipped: “Blorx, hvetifnult gwuch! Brur hur hur hur hur!”