Aberdeen, Celtic, Dundee United, Heart of Midlothian, Hibernian, Inverness Caledonian Thistle, Kilmarnock, Motherwell, Ross County, St. Johnstone and St. Mirren were this morning celebrating after successfully taking it in turns to spit on Rangers before riding them out of town strapped to the back of a donkey.
The SPL clubs, Scottish, spent much of this afternoon jumping up and down with their arms round each other’s shoulders, chanting “bye bye” in a faux macho voice and speaking excitedly about how it’s all a bit like Big Brother.
Ross County said: “Haha. Jerks.
“That’ll serve you right for whatever it is you would have done to us this coming season had you not spontaneously combusted like the chain-smoking, whiskey-guzzling petrol-pump attendant that you metaphorically are.
“Later, losers. We’re gonna build a relatively competitive squad now and take your place as Champions League contenders, and one time we’ll sneak in and make loads of lovely money for our troubles.
Hearts said: “No you’re not. We are. Didn’t you see us in the cup final?”
Hibs said: “Leave it out. You got five lucky goals. We’ll lord it over you this season, just you watch.”
Kilmarnock said: “If one of us manages to sneak into the Champions League and spends the prize money well enough to stay there, what happens to the rest of us?”
Aberdeen said: “Well, I suppose the rest of us would…you know…gradually die.”
Dundee United said: “Oh.”
Silence permeated the air.
Club 12 said: “Never mind, eh – may the best team win!”
Everyone turned to look at Club 12.
Club 12 added: “Er…I’ll just get going then, shall I?”
Club 12 said: “Right you are.”
(Exit Club 12 stage left)