Newcastle United defender Steven Taylor has ceased to exist after his state of denial turned malignant, his manager Alan Pardew has confirmed.
During the aftermath of the Magpies’ controversy-laden 0-0 draw with Arsenal at St James’ Park on Saturday, Taylor told ESPN reporter Rebecca Lowe that he had not seen the incident in which Gunners debutant Gervinho was sent off for slapping Joey Barton to the ground with a sock full of marshmallows.
When asked why he then ran to referee Peter Walton gesturing with his elbow, Taylor responded by denying his own existence, thus rendering himself immaterial and leaving Newcastle with a central defensive crisis ahead of next weekend’s Tyne-Wear derby.
Pardew said: “It all started a couple of weeks ago when I asked Steven if he’d seen Chris Lilley’s new show Angry Boys.
“He said he hadn’t, even though the Ameobi boys – who are good, honest lads, let’s not forget – told me they’d been watching it with him on iPlayer the previous night. They said that they laughed, and he laughed, and that they all agreed it to be a worthy follow-up to his Logie Award-winning series Summer Heights High.
“So it came as no surprise to me when he told Rebecca he hadn’t seen Gervinho pummelling Joey with a two-by-four. What I didn’t see coming, though, was the internalisation of Steven’s psychological manipulation to the extent that he became suddenly pixelated and gradually disintegrated, from top to bottom, on the spot.
“It was like downloading porn in the nineties in reverse. Poor Rebecca was so shocked that she panicked and made an unsuccesful attempt at disemboweling Jonas [Gutierrez] with her microphone.
“Suffice to say, we have now terminated Steven’s contract and will begin actively searching for a replacement, preferably one who won’t try to passive-aggressively instigate a transfer to another club in order to secure either a pay rise or lawful receipt of a loyalty bonus.
“He was a popular lad in the dressing room so we’re disappointed to see him dematerialise but, on the plus side, it’s a great chance for Mike Williamson to stake his claim for a first-team place.”
In tribute to Steven Taylor, here is a video compilation of his finest moments: