Best Fifa Football Awards in Zurich suddenly becomes thing

Gets won by Ronaldo at lavish ceremony in front of bemused guests.

Klopp “less amused” about distance to Plymouth than he was this morning

300-mile journey not so funny all of a sudden.

Tabloids miss ‘Roo-knee’ headlines as Wayne equals Sir Bobby’s record

Publications uncharacteristically fail to spot obvious pun.

Dippy the Diplodocus joins Chinese Super League club in record £800m deal

Shanghai Shenhua also hope to lure Watford's Odion Ighalo with promise of naming cinema after him.

Hull marks City of Culture year by appointing manager called Marco Silva

Replaces man with boring, unrefined Irish name.

Spurs fans vote against idea of singing “Dele Alli” to tune of Teletubbies theme

In-form star bagged his third consecutive brace in 2-0 win over Chelsea.

“Shake Wenger all about,” demand confused Arsenal fans

3-3 draw at Bournemouth sees inners and outers come to nonsensical compromise.

Pep Guardiola still in massive strop, confirms Mrs Guardiola

Man City boss spends all day being irritable prick around the house.

Normality restored as referee favours Manchester United

Mike Dean's heroic intervention allows normal service to be resumed worldwide.

Giroud showcases new kind of Mkhitaryan that’s not offside

Enhances Man Utd star's prototype, holds New Year's Day launch party at Emirates.