West Ham bid £10m for £50m of cocaine found on Norfolk beaches

Local police holding out for asking price as Hammers table latest derisory offer.

Leicester City win actual football match

With real-life goals and everything.

Liverpool’s incompatibility with windows put Bill Gates off takeover bid

Microsoft billionaire spoke to Neil Warnock before making decision.

Philipp Lahm retires to deal with shock of realising he’s still only 33

"I thought I was like 40 or something," says Bayern captain.

Leicester City officially pronounced rubbish again

Club's Ranieri vote of confidence signals upgrade of assumed 'blip' status.

Agüero unveils plans to set up rival Man City that plays to his strengths

Challenges Guardiola to City-off.

Man City’s Jesus gives tabloid headline writers “new lease of life”

Subeditors finally have something to work with after years of "Roo beauty".

Angel of Premier League Title Death named player of the month for January

Winged destroyer rewarded for dispatching Arsenal, Liverpool, Man City and Man Utd in recent weeks.

Metaphysicians discover alternate reality where West Ham always stuff Man City

Eagle-eyed boffin notices tear in fabric of universe caused by last night's 4-0 win for City.

Arsenal fans seek legal advice on how to stop Wenger starting Giroud

Thoroughly fed-up Gooners call for professional assistance.