Oatmeal is good for you, says Bolton chairman

Fake News » Oatmeal is good for you, says Bolton chairman

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Gruel...sweet, nourishing (Image credit: Mary Sue)

Bolton Wanderers chairman Phil Gartside has hit out at claims that his Trotters players are refused second helpings of gruel when dining at the club canteen.

As new signing Tyrone Mears became the fourteenth member of Owen Coyle’s first team squad to suffer a broken leg this pre-season, questions were being asked about the club’s internal catering ever since the seventy-strong team of nutritional scientists employed by Sam Allardyce were replaced by volunteers from local schools and hospitals.

Speaking to Football Burp, Gartside denied that the club’s debts – reported to be in the region of £93m – were forcing them to load the kitchen with cheap imitation foodstuffs and dubiously-sourced produce.

The tiny-faced businessman said: “It’s got absolutely nothing to do with money and absolutely everything to do with community spirit.

“In these parsimonious times, our supporters have had to work very hard in order to continue handing us their money, so we thought it would be a nice gesture for our players to forego their usual diet of fish and pasta in favour of something altogether more rustic, something with a common touch about it.

“As Doris the lunch lady will tell you, water is good for you and oatmeal is good for you. That’s why the only Rickets you’ll find at our club is Sam [Ricketts].

“And, at the occasional awards night or charity do, Michael [Ricketts].”

Doris the lunch lady added: “We were counting on getting a lot of good, edible flesh off Joey O’Brien, Nicky Hunt and Ricardo Vaz Te but there was a power cut over the summer and they went rotten in the freezer.

“Suffice to say, we’ll be keeping a keen eye on Sean Davis’ return to fitness.”

Speaking about his highly anticipated return to fitness, American midfielder Stuart Holden said: “My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…Malk??”

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