Normality restored as referee favours Manchester United
- By Football Burp
Normal service was resumed earlier today when a Premier League referee went out of his way to ensure victory for Manchester United.
With planet Earth still reeling from a turbulent 2016, one man stepped forward to single-handedly – not to mention heroically – steady the world on its axis.
Mike Dean, a humble official from the Wirral, intervened during the early stages of the Red Devils’ game at West Ham to send off the home side’s Sofiane Feghouli for basically no reason.
Despite initial howls of anguish from Hammers fans, it soon dawned on everyone that this referee’s ostentatious bias for Man Utd had restored natural order across the globe.
Donald Trump is now no longer President-Elect of the United States, with hawkish baby-kissers invited to apply in his stead.
And Brexit no longer means Brexit, the term ceasing to exist as all thoughts of triggering Article 50 were plunged back into the fevered imaginations of disgruntled Tory backbenchers.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mike Dean asked that he be kept away from the spotlight.
He said: “It’s flattering to see everyone recognising me as the actual saviour of the world, but I just want a quiet life.
“No, I’m just a referee – this shouldn’t be all about me. I’m just here to ensure that Manchester United romp to the title.
“Let’s put all recent unpleasantness behind us and focus on the common goal of making armchair fans insufferably and undeservedly smug.”