Nigel Pearson undergoes landmark ‘ostrichplasty’ as Leicester success grates
- By Football Burp
Nigel Pearson has been surgically transformed into an ostrich to help him avoid any mention of Leicester City’s continuing success.
The former Foxes boss volunteered himself for the pioneering ‘ostrichplasty’ after finding himself increasingly irritated with the constant adulation.
Last night’s 3-0 Champions League win at Club Brugge kept the plaudits coming for last season’s shock Premier League title-winners.
By burying his head in sand, Pearson hopes to swerve all coverage afforded to the team he left just before they went stratospheric.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Pearson was enraged to learn that ostriches don’t really bury their heads in sand.
He said: “What do you mean it’s a myth?
“I’ve already had the surgery done now, there’s no going back. I suppose I’ll just have to make the most of it.
“Thinking on, I suppose I could just as easily have buried my head as a human. Cards on the table, that didn’t occur to me.
“Still, if I live among the ostriches and do as they do, I should be able to successfully avoid any Leicester-related news.”
He continued: “It’s too much to bear, the thought that I could have been managing a team in the Champions League had it not been for my son’s racist sex tape.
“You know what, I’m glad I’m an ostrich now. I bet they don’t have to deal with sh*t like this. They just lay eggs and fly and that.
“Hang about, do ostriches fly? I don’t think I can, but that might just be a temporary side-effect of the ostrichplasty.
“What noise do ostriches make? ‘Squark’? I’m going to go with ‘squark’ until instructed otherwise by a fellow ostrich.”
He added: “Squark! Squark! This isn’t so bad, you know.”
Leicester triumphed 3-0 in Belgium thanks to Marc Albrighton’s opener and two goals from Riyad Mahrez.