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Newcastle target Suárez and Benteke after failing to land Koné

Newcastle United will now turn their attentions to Christian Benteke and Luis Suárez after failing in a future-based bid for Wigan Athletic's Arouna Koné.

Arouna Koné
Koné… A rumour? (Image: Jean-Marc Liotier)

Newcastle United will now turn their attentions to Aston Villa centre forward Christian Benteke and Liverpool false 9 Luis Suárez after failing in a future-based bid for Wigan Athletic’s Arouna Koné.

The Magpies, hilarious, were hopeful that their £5m offer for the Ivorian – due to be tabled sometime next week, perhaps around Wednesday teatime – would be enough to scupper his move to Everton, now completed.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Newcastle director of football Joe Kinnear asked “which c***” Koné is, then expressed vague recognition which was promptly dismantled when he asked if Koné was “that gorilla (sic) c*** from Ugando (sic)”.

He roared: “Yeah, I know the c***. Wasn’t he trying to purify the alcoholic (sic) people?

“I’ve spoken to Alan Lampard (sic) and we’ll probably stick in a bid for him sometime next week.

“If we can’t get the c*** we’ll just buy the rapist (sic) lad from Liverpool or that Belgrano (sic) bloke from Vanilla (sic).

“We’ve discussed it at width (sic) and we think they’d work well in Tandy’s (sic) with Pappy Seasaw (sic as a parrot).”

Meanwhile, Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has given his first team squad the go-ahead to print T-shirts declaring their support for Suárez ahead of his move to a better team, even one in England where the press are all trying to destroy his career.

He said: “Command can be lonely.

“Whatever that means.”

More: Aston Villa Everton Liverpool Newcastle United