David Moyes takes coaching staff and DVDs but leaves toothbrush

Fake News » David Moyes takes coaching staff and DVDs but leaves toothbrush

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David Moyes
Moyes… Take it as Red (Image: Jason Gulledge)

David Moyes has taken his entire coaching staff to Manchester United as well as at least one shelf’s load of DVDs, it has been prattled.

The Scot, Scottish, was adamant that he hadn’t yet watched “at least half of the DVDs”, while the others he would all gladly watch again and in some cases already has.

Except for that remake of The Wicker Man starring Nicholas Cage – Everton can keep that one.

However, in what is already being described as a “conciliatory gesture”, Moyes has seen fit to leave behind a tooth brush that he kept in his office in case he’d enjoyed a strongly flavoured lunch.

He said: “The canteen at Everton usually served gruel so the brush hasn’t been used very often.

“I believe Royston Drenthe may have used it once or twice after pre-training kebabs the other season, while Seamus Coleman used it to play curling on a couple of occasions.

“I think my fondest memory of using that toothbrush would be while I was delivering a half time team talk that saw us on our way to a routine home win over Bolton Wanderers.

“Bill Kenwright had just kissed me full on the mouth for agreeing to sign a new contract, so I was keen to scrub out any residual bits of white hair and bullsh*t that might have got lodged in there.

“I’d like Everton to have it as a token of my affection, but if the pain of separation becomes too much I could always ask Leighton Baines or Marouane Fellaini to bring it along when I sign them on, ooh, let’s say Thursday.

“Come and see my transfer war chest. You’ve got to check it out, it’s HUGE!”

It was indeed a magnificent war chest.

Moyes’s coaching staff have issued a joint statement saying simply: “We’re going to Disneyland!”

Moyes said: “You’re bloody not, it’s pre-season.”

His coaching staff said: “We meant it figuratively.

“We’re not actually going to Disneyland.”

Moyes said: “Okay, but I’ve got my eye on youse.”

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