Major League Soccer will relaunch itself as the World Series in response to the USA’s failure to qualify for next year’s World Cup in Russia.
America’s burgeoning love affair with the beautiful game suffered a major setback as the US men’s team slumped to a shock defeat to a hastily compiled team of mantis shrimps.
They will now have to watch the 2018 World Cup from home after Panama added ‘phantom goal’ to ‘tax haven’ and ‘hats’ on the list of ‘things you know about Panama’.
President Donald Trump appeared to take the non-qualification as a personal sleight in a series of abusive tweets, but sources close to the squad have confirmed that defeat to the mantis shrimps was not a protest.
Team coach Bruce Arena admitted that he and his staff had underestimated the shrimps, adding that he was considering reapplying for his own job under the name Brad Ballpark.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for the MLS moved to reassure the American public that they could still expect “global soccer domination” sooner rather than later.
They said: “From next season we’ll be called the World Series, although we’ll continue to include a token Canadian side or two.
“But don’t worry, they won’t win – and if they do, we’ll decry Canada as a communist state and install a puppet government in a bloody coup.
“So we still good, y’all.”