Millions of ITV viewers were left traumatised last night after watching Roy Keane devour Gareth Southgate during the post-match coverage of Manchester United’s 2-1 Champions League defeat to Real Madrid.
Keane, Irish, was so incensed by Southgate’s protestations at Nani’s red card that he dislocated his own jaw for leverage then swallowed the former Crystal Palace and Aston Villa captain whole, in an eating manner that’s already being described as “like a cross between a crocodile’s and a duck’s”.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Keane refused to apologise for the incident and insisted that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if someone was “acting the maggot” in his presence.
He snarled: “The boy Southgate was never the full shilling anyway, but last night he put the kibosh on it with his guff about ‘no intent’ and ‘not seeing the player’.
“I had to eat him – anger makes me hungry, so – and Gareth’s only got himself to blame for making a holy show of himself.
“Isn’t that right, Gareth?”
Keane then patted his belly with his fist, eliciting muffled sounds of accordance from within.
He continued: “There you go. No need to be an eejit gobdaw all your life, now is there?
“Tell yer what – that Adrian Chiles is a cute hoor, sitting there with a copy of the rules in front of him. I should have given him a puck in the gob, so I should’ve. In fact, I’d wager he’s never inspired a famous Champions League comeback against Juventus in all his life.
“I’ll reef the fecker when I see him next. He keeps making out I’m a right header behind my back, twirling his finger by his ear and laughing about it with the crew – I know, I can see their reflections in the windows, so.
“Foostering about, the lot of them, slagging me just because I choose to do my own make-up before going on air. I’ll eat them. I’ll eat the lot of them.”
He added: “Whose phone is that?”
There was no phone.