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Managing Portsmouth to become civic duty

Refusal to manage Portsmouth may carry a £1,000 fine.

By Jonny Abrams

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Jury summons
Like this, only Portsmouthier

Managing Portsmouth is to become a civic duty, it has been announced.

The south coast club, beleaguered, parted company with Guy Whittingham yesterday following a sequence of defeats that has been described in some quarters as “calamitous”.

Whittingham, a Pompey goal machine in his, er, pomp, will now take his place alongside Michael Appleton, Steve Cotterill, Paul Hart and Avram Grant on the Village-style island where out-of-work managers go to be rehabilitated with intensive electroshock therapy.

With prospective successors unforthcoming, the task of managing Portsmouth now becomes a social responsibility, much like jury duty or picking up dog turds.

Your own dog’s turds, obviously – not just any old turd, although what you do in your own time is no business of ours.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Prime Minister David Cameron outlined the conditions involved in compulsory Portsmouth-managing.

He said: “When you’re sent a Portsmouth manager summons, you must complete and return it within seven days.

“Once your managerial stint is confirmed, you must turn up on the agreed start date. If you don’t, you could be fined £1,000.

“Managing Portsmouth is unpaid but you can claim for food and drink, travel and loss of earnings.

“It usually lasts for up to ten working days, but can be longer.”

For more information, please yell Tony Adams’s name out of the nearest window until he hears you and stops for a chat.