Newly installed Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has confirmed that he will listen to offers for a sheet of paper outlining the Reds’ backup plan of building their attack around a target man.
The plan, which comes with a free Andy Carroll, is no longer necessary at Anfield due to the former Swansea boss’s swoonsome devotion to all-out tiki-taka togger.
It will now be removed from a glass case in the manager’s office, still in pristine condition after Kenny Dalglish paid £35m for it before deciding just to use the Carroll, like an infant discarding a toy to play with the box it came in.
Rodgers told SoccerBelch.net: “It’s going pretty well so far – we reckon Jamie Carragher’s about three weeks away from being able to pronounce ‘tiki-taka’ without spraying phlegm across an eighty-mile radius, while Steven Gerrard’s shaved a good twenty yards off his average passing distance.
“Unfortunately for Andy I don’t envisage a scenario at any point across a 38-game season in which we might need to mix it up a bit, so as an early statement of intent I’d quite like to send him on loan to Tranmere Rovers for the good of my own ego.
“Stuart Pearce told me that phoning David Beckham to tell him he didn’t make the Olympics squad was one of the greatest sensations of power and borderline arousal he’d ever experienced, and frankly I’d quite like some of them apples.
“Let it be known far and wide – we’re selling off our spare tactics, and we’ll still hit the woodwork more than anyone else this season as we blaze a trail towards our rightful place of just above Everton in the Premier League table.”
He added: “Would anyone care for a Jay Spearing?”