The latest round of Brexit negotiations between the UK and the EU has concluded with the award of a penalty to Tottenham Hotspur, we can confirm.
Following a protracted and heated discussion, David Davis and Michel Barnier emerged from their Brussels conference room to announce a spot kick for Spurs.
Brexit secretary and Conservative MP Davis declared himself delighted at the agreement of a Tottenham penalty, which is expected to be taken by Harry Kane.
He told Football Burp: “Michel and I were at loggerheads for hours. There were times where I couldn’t envisage a resolution.
“But we got there in the end. I said to him, ‘Michel, I want a bespoke trade agreement with Germany and I want it now.’ He said, ‘You literally have no idea what you’re talking about, you berk.’
“I said, ‘Oh yeah? Well how about we slap whacking great tariffs on your motors?’ He said, ‘I honestly have no idea what the hell you’re saying.’
“This dynamic felt like it could go on indefinitely, and for the last hour or so we mostly just stared each other down.
“That’s when I stood up and said, ‘How about a penalty to Tottenham?’ Michel said, ‘Look, I just want to get out of here.’
“So I said, ‘Then it’s settled. It’s a penalty!’ Then he stood up and shook my hand.
“We’ve not yet decided where the penalty will be taken, or indeed what its successful conversion would secure for which party, but it nevertheless represents significant progress.
“Now we’ve got this and the thing to do with British ex-pats, whatever that was.”