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Jozy Altidore makes triumphant return to English football

Jozy Altidore has made a spectacular return to our footballing landscape, joining Sunderland for one of those über-trendy/super fly undisclosed fees

Jozy Altidore
Jozy… Magna Cattermole (Image: Paulblank)

Britain was this morning celebrating as Jozy Altidore made a spectacular return to its footballing landscape, joining Sunderland for one of those über-trendy/super-fly undisclosed fees.

The Black Cats, managed by Paolo Di Canio oh yeah I’d forgotten already heh heh that’s something else to look forward to this season, brought the USA international striker back to his rightful stage after a successful ‘stint’ at AZ Alkmaar, whatever a ‘stint’ is.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, an elated Altidore – still only 23 years old, well fudge my old boots, it feels like years ago he was at Phil Brown’s Hull City – confirmed that he’d googled the word ‘stint’ and that the result of his search did not tally with the common footballing usage of the word.

He said: “Do you realise that you’ve used the word ‘footballing’ twice in this article already? Three times if you count me saying it just then.

“But yeah, according to Google’s uppermost search result, ‘stint’ is a verb meaning ‘supply an ungenerous or inadequate amount of (something)’, ie. ‘stowage room hasn’t been stinted’.

“I know, right? ‘Stowage’ – who the hell says that?

“Anyway, apparently a stint is also ‘a small short-legged sandpiper (genus Calidris) of northern Eurasia and Alaska, with a brownish back and white underparts.

“Yeah, I read that as ‘underpants’ too. Ha! Ha!”

He continued: “Aaaahhh – just above that: ‘A person’s fixed or allotted period of work’, ie. ‘his varied career included a stint as a magician’.

“I love the exemplar sentences they have. I mean, I don’t love them per se, but I am amused by them.”

He added: “Was ‘exemplar’ the right choice of word there?

“As of the beginning of this sentence you were 261 words into this article and hadn’t even made one proper joke about Di Canio. Are you really that out of practice?

“I bet you spent Sunday watching the final of Wimbledon, didn’t you? Thought so.

“You should have been doing your job properly, you know, rather than knocking out some half-assed ‘spoof’ of my move to Sunderland, which doesn’t even make one proper joke about Di Canio in it.

“Shame on you.”

Meanwhile, that Andy Murray, eh? Wow!

Stay tuned for Tennis Burp!

In other news, footballers remain sex pests.

More: Sunderland