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Joe Kinnear inadvertently pioneers revolutionary new depression treatment

"We heard he kept angrily waving Alan Pardew out of his office before turning back to the remote and saying, 'Sorry Sir Alex, ****ing housekeeping again.'"

By Jonny Abrams

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Turns out black and white was the answer all along

Newcastle United director of football Joe Kinnear has been cited by leading pharmaceutical companies as the inspiration for a new depression treatment, it has been uttered.

The treatment, potentially revolutionary, would involve scanning the internet for Magpies news updates both first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one top pharmaceuticalististicist explained that sufferers of more severe forms of depression would be asked to undertake weekly sessions of listening to Newcastle United podcasts and reading fans’ forums.

She said: “We’re confident that tests will prove Newcastle United to be funny enough to alleviate not just depression but perhaps even other forms of mental illness.

“We got the idea when the transfer window slammed shut without Newcastle having signed anyone, apparently because Joe Kinnear had spent all day talking into a TV remote convinced that Alex Ferguson was on the other end.

“We heard he kept angrily waving Alan Pardew out of his office before turning back to the remote and saying, ‘Sorry Sir Alex, ****ing housekeeping again.’

“Nine out of every ten depression sufferers we relayed this to laughed so hard and for so long that they eventually gave us all massive hugs and declared themselves cured.

“The other ten per cent were Newcastle United fans, all of whom have since reported worsening conditions.

“Clearly there is still work to be done but at this stage a 90 per cent success rate is highly encouraging.”

Continuing to speak exclusively to Football Burp, the pharmaceuticalististicististististicist outlined how Newcastle United might also be used to cure Alzheimer’s.

She said: “Newcastle United appear to be remarkably adept at triggering memories even in our most long-suffering patients.

“Remember when they appointed Joe Kinnear as manager? 75 per cent of Alzheimer’s patients do, and fondly.

“Remember Souness, Roeder, Keegan Mk. II, Dennis Wise? Going down with Shearer as manager?

“All these things and more have triggered unprecedented response amongst Alzheimer’s sufferers.

“In many cases, patients have been seen to clasp their faces and say things like ‘I just remembered where I left my keys!’

“It really is quite incredible. Thank you, Newcastle United.

“Really, truly, thank you.”