Nikica Jelavic’s proposed move from Rangers to Everton has been cancelled due to last-minute concern for the health of Toffees boss David Moyes.
The Croatia forward, a Virgo, was set to put pen to paper on a £6m deal when blood started to gush uncontrollably from the Scotsman’s nostrils, rendering the physical contract unreadable and leaving a trail of blood around the club’s Finch Farm training ground that could cost upwards of £20 to mop up.
Tilting his head back and holding a handkerchief just above his narrowly gaping mouth, Moyes professed his disappointment at not being able to complete the transfer and admitted that a succession of similar incidents should have had him on his guard.
He said: “When Bill [Kenwright, chairman] told me I could have a million to sign Darron Gibson, I shoved him playfully a few times while saying, ‘You’re f***ing with me, right?’
“I then realised that I’d left a big, red handprint right smack in the middle of Bill’s fluffy bosom, and the next thing I knew I was legging it to the bogs trying to stem a nasal blood-flow akin to the lift doors opening in The Shining.
“Then when he told me the other day that I could have the Bilyaletdinov money to put towards a striker, I started hyperventilating so badly that I collapsed to the ground and woke up half an hour later in a pool of my own blood with Phil Neville leaning over me shouting, ‘Don’t go towards the light, Moyesy!’”
The Scottish man continued: “I thought I’d come to terms with having a bit of money to spend, but when I looked down at that piece of paper and saw the figure £6,000,000 right there in print, I had to projectile vomit out of the window all over a desperately out-of-position Fellaini.
“Amazingly, he hasn’t even noticed yet.”
He added: “Goodness knows what’ll happen if I’m granted any kind of war chest this summer. At best I’ll end up in therapy for the rest of my days.”