When Jason Orange quits Take That, it can only be for very good reason – and sure enough, Burp can exclusively reveal that he’s signing for Manchester United.
The puppet, sentient, is believed to have impressed Louis van Gaal with his stoic displays anchoring the back of the stage for the resuscitated ’90s boy band sensations.
United’s defence was run ragged at Leicester City last time out, a 5-3 defeat proving sufficiently alarming for van Gaal to seek out-of-contract players with which to bolster his back line.
At just 44 years old and with ample experience of ambling around behind the front men in an unnoticeably error-free manner, Orange fits the bill.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, van Gaal admitted he was eager to pounce from the moment the first ‘Jason Orange quits Take That’ headlines broke.
He said: “Jason I have known for a long time as a very capable individual who has performed on the biggest stage.
“Well, the biggest stage I am told is at the Grand Theatre in Nevada where Take That have never performed, but Jason has still performed on a number of larger-than-average stages.
“Clearly his name is Orange, and this will fit in well with the overall Dutchness that I’m trying to instil into the team.
“I see him carrying out a similar role behind Di María and Falcao as he did behind Gary Barlow and Mark Owen – marshalling the defence, chipping in with the odd backing vocal, that sort of thing.
“He’s also agreed to do a bit of half time entertainment for us under the banner ‘Half Time Orange’.
“That was one of Ryan Giggs’s suggestions. See, he’s not just a pretty face on the touchline.”