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James Rodríguez insect opens up on rigours of fame

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James Rodríguez insect
Weird massive grasshopper thing… Celebrated (Image: Fir0002)

It was the James Rodríguez insect attack that had everybody talking, and its protagonist has opened up for the first time on the destructive effects of sudden and unexpected fame.

Caelifero, a two-month-old weird massive grasshopper thing from Fortaleza, gained instant worldwide notoriety when it leaped onto the Colombia forward following his converted consolation penalty in Friday’s World Cup quarter-final defeat to Brazil.

However, the attention and adulation was to take its toll – the ensuing 48 hours saw Caelifero descend into an orgiastic festival of celebritydom, resulting in a protracted six-hour spell as an inpatient at California’s renowned Betty Ford Clinic.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Caelifero the weird massive grasshopper spoke ruefully as he told how his world was turned upside down by non-stop partying and a string of increasingly tempestuous love affairs.

It sighed: “How could I resist it? A weird massive grasshopper thing from Fortaleza like me, at that age.

“I was the most famous weird massive grasshopper thing in the world. I’ve bedded more female weird massive grasshopper things than you’ve had hot dinners.

“I mean, one moment I’m feasting on the gooey innards of the myriad smaller insects available, the next I’m the James Rodríguez insect. It was totally insane, like completely mad.

“I only live for like, I don’t know, I haven’t even bothered to check to be honest, but it’s probably not as long as you guys so you’ll forgive me for pointing out that you probably can’t conceive of the highs and lows experienced by weird massive grasshopper things in what seem to you to be short periods of time.

“I’m just saying. We cool, though.”