Italians are still unable to play football without bribing each other vast sums of money, according to reports.
The football players, managers and officials, Italian, have once again dragged their country into disrepute by getting involved with shady stereotypes who can apparently influence the result of any match they jolly well like, simply by knocking on doors late at night while flanked by goons and making an offer that one may or may not refuse, depending on how much they like the idea of having a concrete surfboard nailed to their feet.
A spokesperson for the Italian Football Federation said: “Here at the Italian Football Federation we take match-fixing very seriously, so we shall ensure that our investigations are thorough before deciding upon a fitting punishment.
“At this stage it’s likely that we would relegate Lazio, Juventus and Genoa to the San Marino Third Division before promoting them back to Serie A again with a substantial cash prize once we’ve been visited late at night by men saying ‘you may want to reconsider’ in such a way as to suggest that if we don’t then we’re on a one-way street to thrown-off-a-bridge-ville.
“These are very serious allegations with very serious implications for whoever refuses to play ball with the scary men.”
In other news, AC Milan have been confirmed as the winners of next year’s Serie A.