Embattled Blackburn Rovers manager Steve Kean has been left red-faced by the circulation of video footage showing him making a series of outrageous claims to supporters on a pre-season tour.
The Scot, a Libra, did not realise he was being filmed when he told a gaggle of disbelieving Rovers fans that:
* He created Phil Jones out of one of his own ribs without any divine assistance
* He foiled former boss Sam Allardyce’s planned raid of a Mayfair jewellers
* He would bring the Carling Cup home to Ewood Park and lead the club to a top-ten finish, and if he didn’t then he would personally pay each Blackburn fan a visit and present them with a slideshow of his life and times, free of charge
* He invented chicken
A clearly spiked Kean gibbered: “So ah went doon tae one of the Academy games, and ah says tae the Academy coach, ah says tae him, ‘Who’s that lad there?’
“He says tae me, right, he says, ‘Ah dunno, ah think he’s called Bob or something.’ Ah says, ‘Is he any good?’ an’ he says, ‘Nah, he isnae’.
“So ah ripped out one of ma ain ribs – with ma ain bare hand, y’ken, nae help from Gawd or nuttin’ – an’ ah created Phil Jones right there on the spawt. The Academy coach boaked everywhere, awfy it was, but we ended up selling him tae Manchester United fae fifty billion quid so I giss ah pulled a belter.”
When asked about his relationship with current West Ham United boss Allardyce, Kean was shockingly forthright.
He garbled: “Ah worked ma dauds oaf fae him. Ah tell ye, he was plawtin’ tae rawb this jewellers in Mayfair fae these mahssive diamonds, an’ he asked me tae gi’him a backie through the windae.
“Ah mackied him over the heid, prawper bleached the bawbag, an’ he ne’er tried it awn again, the bawtle merchant.”
On chicken, he blathered: “So ah went tae India tae meet wi’ Venkys, right, an’ ah says, “What’s that bird there?”
“They say, ‘Izza duck, Steve.’ Ah says, ‘Is it any good?’ an’ they say, ‘Nae Steve, it’s sh*te.’
“So ah invented chicken an’ the rest, as they say, is history. If ah’m lyin’ then may Gawd strike me doon right here and now.”
He added: “Ah fahgawt, ah ahm Gawd.
“Thass the cheeky water fae ye!”