A man has screamed, “Oh my giddy ****, how the blue hell is this international break only halfway ****ing through?”, we can confirm.

The man, a self-professed football enthusiast, had to remove a pillow from his face in order to make himself audible.

He roared: “How the ****ing **** has it only been a week? It feels like it’s been about seventeen years.

“I’m the first person to acknowledge the distasteful excess of Premier League football, but **** me, I’m ready to have a limb amputated in return for just five minutes of Swansea v Middlesbrough.

“How could anyone in good conscience insert an international break into this stage of the season? It’s completely inhumane.

“It’s getting so I’m seriously giving thought to just lying down in a dark room for five days fantasising about a Football Focus interview with Ashley Barnes.”