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Gerrard’s mumbled Shelvey platitudes spun into news story by vultures

By Jonny Abrams

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Jonjo Shelvey
Shelvey drafting his response in which he ‘hails’ Gerrard back (Img: md.faisalzaman)
Steven Gerrard believes that Liverpool team mate Jonjo Shelvey deserves his England call-up, according to a number of keyword-loaded ‘news’ reports.

The reports, anodyne, are set to pacify thousands of football fans around the world who would read anything – absolutely anything – as long as it contains quotes from one footballer ‘hailing’ another, as if they’d do anything else when they have a big, fluffy microphone shoved in their media-trained faces.

According to Football Burp sources, these substance-less articles are generating an obscene amount of traffic by dint of such simple SEO tricks as shoehorning terms like “Anfield”, “Reds” and “Brendan Rodgers’s side” into the first few paragraphs at every opportunity.

Steven Gerrard. Jonjo Shelvey. Liverpool midfielder. England international. Former Charlton Athletic starlet. Brendan Rodgers’s Reds side. Barclays Premier League. Kenny Dalglish (somehow). Bill Shankly (why not?).

The Kop. Luis Suarez. Steve McManaman. Rob Jones. Stig Inge Bjørnebye, Vegard Heggem and Bjørn Tore Kvarme.

PHIL BABB.

A bored Liverpool fan said: “Apparently Stevie G has said that Jonjo Shelvey deserves his Ronny Rosenthal as a reward for the improvement he’s shown in Steve Heighway’s Alan Kennedy this season.

“Oh yeah – You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

In other news, Football Burp is going to Disneyland off the back of the advertising revenue generated by this BRENDAN RODGERS’S LIVERPOOL SIDE article.