France has responded to Stewart Downing’s statement that England do not fear France by pointing out that France certainly does not fear Stewart Downing.
The nation, not far away, was amused to note that the Liverpool FC employee had told a press conference that he and his England team mates are confident of getting a result when the two sides contest their opening group game for Euro 2012 on Monday.
Shrugging incessantly and muttering amongst themselves about “les rosbifs”, the French, French, agreed that it would be très drôle to issue a statement distancing themselves from any fearful thoughts whatsoever concerning Stewart Downing.
Newly installed President Francois Hollande said: “If Downing’s comments inspire our team to victory then I suppose you could count it as his first assist of the season.
“Haw! Hee! Haw! The last time he scored, England wasn’t an unsophisticated cesspit teeming with terrible food and even worse teeth, hair and skin.
“Oh, attendez un peu – that was never! Haw! Hee! Haw!”
Il a continué: “To be fair, nobody is entirely useless – it’s circumstances that make them useless, or they don’t know they are being useless.
“Now I have only one thing left to do: nothing. I don’t want any belongings, any memories. No friends, no love. Those are all traps.”
Il a ajouté: “Sorry, got a bit introspective there.”