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Football fans congratulate each other on another golden weekend of racism and petulance

By Jonny Abrams

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Some football fans
Some football fans enjoying a pre-match meal
Football fans up and down the country were this morning patting each other on the back after yet another stellar weekend’s worth of proving to the world what utter cretins they are.

West Ham United fans were lapping up the lion’s share of the plaudits after heroically mocking the Tottenham Hotspur fans stabbed in Rome during the week, not to mention adding sprinklings of anti-Semitism for good measure, while the wise soul who aimed a racist tweet at Norwich City defender S├ębastien Basson after his late equaliser at Everton has so far spent today being carried aloft on a velvet throne with scantily clad belles fanning him and feeding him grapes.

Not to be outdone, Chelsea fans impressed with their mass show of petulance at the appointment of a manager who said something mildly scathing about flags while managing a rival club five years ago, a misdemeanour we now know to be tantamount to urinating in the face of each and every Stamford Bridge season ticket holder’s mother.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a typical football fan beat his chest with his knuckles and then dragged them along by his side as he trudged off in search of his next racism victim.

He said: “Ug? Ug.

“Nggghhh, GRRRR, bleeeuuurrrggghhh!”

He added: “Do you think I’m in any position to cast doubt over the evolutionary state of another?”