First all-purpose tosspot could be Chelsea player by 2013, claim scientists
- By Football Burp
Scientists are working on creating a Premier League footballer that will be racist, homophobic, philandering, deceitful and gratuitously violent all at the same time.
The current wave of players being complete and utter tosspots has captivated supporters and casual observers nationwide, with Sky Sports News reporting spikes of up to 300% whenever someone high-profile acts like a total dick.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a spokesperson for the Institute for Studies of Obnoxious Bellends said that they were working towards the introduction of an all-purpose cretin with a view to bringing down the percentage of footballers that seem hell-bent on proving to the world just how irredeemably ghastly they are.
She said: “It seems a waste for so many players to out themselves as horrible scumbags in so many different ways when we could have just the one professional tasked with being thoroughly unpleasant in every conceivable way.
“Things are going well so far – we took a prototype on a night out in Soho for a test run, and after just two bottles of Corona he had already punched an effeminate-looking black man in the face and pinched my bottom fifteen times.
“After a few more, he grabbed a couple of perma-tanned young ladies and had his way with them in the controlled ‘crib’ environment we set up back at the lab, even managing to set up future saucy encounters via Twitter while he romped.
“Naturally, we are very excited by these developments and at this stage it seems entirely possible that we could have him playing for Chelsea and England by 2013 at the earliest.”
She added: “We’re taking him to Nando’s this evening, and if everything goes to plan then he should be ready for his first late-night kebab house brawl this weekend.”