Fifa propose ‘monkey rush’ system, get shouted down pretty quickly

Fake News » Fifa propose ‘monkey rush’ system, get shouted down pretty quickly

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A monkey
Monkey… Unhurried (Img: Lea Maimone)

Fifa have put plans to introduce a ‘monkey rush’ system of goalkeeping on hold amidst accusations of racism, it is being reported, right here, in this very article.

The rules, nostalgia-tinged, were mooted in the wake of English clubs’ near-total abandonment of defensive duties in this week’s round of League Cup fixtures, which have included such results as Reading 5-7 Arsenal, Chelsea 5-4 Manchester United and Blorxton Bishops 48-36 Fnertclup Ovarians, although the latter was riddled with controversy as the Bishops were awarded 17 controversial penalties.

Considering also Barcelona’s propensity for fielding formations that spell out ‘la defensa? Pah!’ when observed from above, Fifa announced their intention to encourage the school playground system of ‘monkey rush’ goalkeeping, whereby a goalkeeper is given free rein to join in with attacks and generally rampage around the pitch like a lunatic.

However, the proposed changes have been met with instant criticism from all quarters, with a number of people lining up to describe it as “…racist”.

One observer said: “‘Monkey rush’?

“Racist.”

Another said: “Is Sepp Blatter serious about this?

“What a Swiss numpty.”

Et cetera.

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