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Ferguson bemoans lack of injury time, no punchline required

By Jonny Abrams

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Sir Alex Ferguson
Ferguson attempts to deceive match officials by impersonating a clock (Img: Andrea Sartorati)
Football Burp’s satire department have confirmed that they shall not be following up their interest in a punchline for Sir Alex Ferguson’s expressed outrage at a perceived lack of injury time on Saturday.

The punchline, unnecessary, will now continue its search for a limply conceived and poorly written online article lampooning Ferguson’s ire at there being only four minutes of stoppage time at the end of his Manchester United side’s 3-2 defeat to Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford.

It said: “Without wanting to give too much away, I really am very funny and can play in a number of positions.

“I could be funny in the intro, at the end of the article, and even somewhere seemingly innocuous around the middle as long as the whole piece is adequately structured around me, so I feel I have a lot to offer to any tedious and unfunny satirical football websites that might be on the lookout for an eye-catching angle.

“That’s why I’m so disappointed at Football Burp’s decision to pass on my availability – they have a proud tradition of being tedious and unfunny, but unfortunately on this occasion they felt it unnecessary to accentuate the comedy with any extra bells and whistles.

“I respect their decision and shall continue my search.”

A Burp spokesman said: “Sir Alex Ferguson has criticised a lack of injury time against Spurs – even that phrase contains more information than is necessary for the purposes of being smarmy and irritating on the internet.

“We were going to fabricate an elaborate flow of comparable hypocrisies, ‘so and so bemoans this’ and such, but it’s bearing down on lunchtime and we’re journos, hence lazy, a bit like you are at your own job if you happen to be reading this right now.

“We admire the punchline and what it has to offer, but presently our attentions are turned to whether to get cheese and beans, cheese and tuna, or opt for what we’re calling The Grand Slam.”

He added: “It’s not on the menu, but they’ll do it.”