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Ferdinand to Terry: “I’m serious, this is still less disgusting than you”

By Jonny Abrams

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A rotten strawberry
Strawberry… Rotten (Img: Rasbak)
Queens Park Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand says he still intends to snub John Terry in unprecedentedly bizarre fashion, so that his courtroom Chelsea counterpart will be left in absolutely no doubt as to what he thinks of him and any hand he might offer out for a shake.

The Rio Ferdinand substitute, an Aquarius, confirmed that he’s still pretty pissed about Terry’s decision to label him a “slack runt” during a dispute between the two players when QPR beat their west London rivals 1-0 at Loftus Road just under a year ago.

With this weekend’s reunion edging ever closer, senior officials from both clubs have been locked in talks with a view to them each telling their respective player: “Look, just shake his sodding hand, alright?”

Speaking to Football Burp, Ferdinand reiterated his intention to respond to Terry’s offer of a shake by unveiling and subsequently fondling an array of repellent items as a very public demonstration of what he would rather touch than the end of his opponent’s outstretched arm.

Firstly, Ferdinand will delve into a box by his feet and remove a succession of manky vegetables, each of which he shall scrub all over his face while staring Terry dead in the eye as if to say: “This is still less disgusting – a lot less disgusting, in fact – than shaking your hand.”

Ferdinand has also spent this week feeding rotting foodstuffs to farmyard animals and collecting the resultant excrement, while he claims to have ordered up to fifty Nickelback CDs.

If Terry still persists in offering his hand after all of this, Ferdinand insists he is quite prepared to take on Ann Widdecombe in a naked mud-wrestle, even make passionate love to her, as long as it leaves the Chelsea captain in absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he has just been insulted.

He said: “I’ll bloody do it.”