Everyone else in the world is chuffed as buttons for Manchester United this morning after they confirmed a twentieth top fight title by thumping Aston Villa last night.
Good for them.
The Red Devils, streets ahead, put the embattled Midlanders to the sword with three goals in the first twenty seconds from Dutch bloke Robin van Persie, whose spectacular volley was so spectacular and such a volley that referee Anthony Taylor decided to award it a triple points score.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, everyone else in the world congratulated Sir Alex Ferguson and the Old Trafford faithful on another title, adding that it was jolly nice to see them bounce back from losing it on goal difference last time out, oh to think they could have twenty-one titles by now, how tragic.
Everyone else and his dog* said: “Good for them, winning again. That ought to ensure them another few hundred thousand fans worldwide, and millions of pounds’ worth of revenue with it.
“How utterly splendid for them, and what a much-needed boost for their fan base after that one-year trophy drought. Must have been a tough time for them, a really tough time indeed.”
They continued: “Come to think of it, it must be a thoroughly galling experience for them on the rare occasion where they don’t swat the opposition aside. Even a perfunctory 1-0 win at Southampton or some such is also probably received somewhat mutedly, whereas if my side won 1-0 at Southampton I’d be grinning like a loon all week long.
“That my team will never in a million years even come close to winning the Premier League title is not just something that I fear deep inside, it’s practically a given. In fact, they’re many times more likely to go out of business than so much as put in a credible challenge for a playoff spot. They are literally the worst team I’ve ever seen in my X years of supporting Y.
“Well, except for the side we had in season Z. Now that was a bad side.”
(*No dog actually said anything in this article)