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England v Republic of Ireland friendly match bores man to death

By Jonny Abrams

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Boredom note
These were his last scribbles (Image: CMEarnest)

A man in East Anglia was found bored to death on his couch having watched last night’s England v Republic of Ireland friendly.

The match, a 1-1 anti-blockbuster, proved fatally dull for Glenn Echobelly, 38, who leaves behind a wife and two children.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Mrs Echobelly declared herself to be “absolutely flippin’ livid with the silly ****er”.

She said: “I told him this would happen eventually – all those England matches, all that mind-numbing tedium.

“I says, ‘You shouldn’t be watching this at your age, you know,’ I did. ‘It’s an end-of-season friendly and it’ll have that Andy Townsend talking over it, and the other one.

“All of the danger signs were there. I mean, Glenn Whelan was playing, for goodness’s sake. Glenn Whelan, for blinkin’ out loud. But does he listen? Does he ****burgers.”

She added: “I’m absolutely steaming, with both rage and alcohol. Mostly with alcohol, to be fair. But I bloody told him, I did. Now who’s going to pick the kids up this Tuesday coming? I’m going to have to try and get time off work, for absolute Pete’s sake.”

While the full extent of the damage is unknown in terms of fatalities, all emergency services within an eighty-mile radius have been inundated with reports of people being bored either to tears or, in rare cases, into flames.

Fred Rialto, 47, from Arklow said: “I’m still on fire now. I’d have tried putting it out but I’m too distracted by the sound of Adrian Chiles saying ‘plenty to talk about, then’, which has been playing over and over in my head like some really insipid nightmare.

“It’s weird how I’m still alive, when you come to think of it. I think the strength garnered by my resolution to never watch another international friendly ever again has instilled a resistance to flame that could run out at any moment, at which juncture I shall make an immediate beeline for the nearest pond or local oddball sitting outside in a cold tub.”