England took one step closer to Euro 2016 qualification last night with a comprehensive 5-0 win over some Italian postmen, we can reveal.
The mail carriers, managed by former Harry Enfield character Il Postino Pat, had no answer as Roy Hodgson’s brave Lions racked up another resounding victory to add to their recent 1-0 demolition of Norway.
Phil Jagielka headed home the opening goal when the Italian postmen’s goalkeeper slipped comically on a banana skin and skidded the full length of the pitch into a skip full of rat traps.
Wayne Rooney then doubled the advantage on the stroke of half time when the referee got bored and decided to award a penalty.
Next up to do a goal was Danny Welbeck, recently voted Greatest Player of All Time by people who take a vague interest in football but don’t really follow it in any depth, before Andros Townsend pre-emptively countered his commentator namesake’s favourite phrase by showing that little bit of quality in the final third.
England put the seal on their emphatic win when a Rooney cross rebounded off the watching Jimmy Greaves and looped into the far corner.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Hodgson expressed disappointment at failing to get on the score sheet himself.
He said: “Obviously I had that diving header at the end that was cleared off the line by an Alsatian that had its jaws clamped on the goalkeeper’s shoulder.
“I thought that was unlucky.”