England postponement disappoints thousands of television thieves
- By Football Burp
Thousands of disaffected youths with new television sets have been left with their evening plans lying in tatters after the cancellation of tonight’s friendly match between England and the Netherlands at Wembley.
After three consecutive nights of riots in the Capital, the FA confirmed that the match would no longer go ahead due to the unavailability of emergency services, whose resources have been stretched to breaking point by the civil disorder.
Football Burp understands that young people all over the country are now locked in talks over various social media to determine whether they should revert to rioting or stay in and watch June Brown on Who Do You Think You Are? instead.
One youngster, who asked not to be named, said: “I managed, with all my cunning, to smash my way into Dixons and make off with an eighty-five-inch Panasonic plasma screen so, needless to say, I was rather looking forward to seeing if Tom Cleverley could make the step up to international level in breathtaking high definition.
“I’m a big fan of Dot Cotton but if push comes to shove – and believe me, it will – I’m going to have to plump for reducing the automobiles of Hackney to smoking husks while twenty-four-hour news cameras capture my random acts of destruction for posterity.
“Then I can watch that later when we all return home for what I am calling – and I trust it shall catch on – the break in play.
Another youngster, who asked to be named as MC Q-Jump, said: “I swear, bruv, I wouldn’t be out on the streets destroying people’s homes and livelihoods if there was anything good on the box.
“Apparently they’re showing Parenthood on ITV3 but it’s not really one of Keanu Reeves’ best so I think I’ll give it a miss. And I might be 15-years-old and completely illiterate but even I can feel my brains seeping out of my ears when I’m watching NCIS on Channel 5. You get me, blud?
“I don’t know what I’ll do if they cancel this weekend’s Premier League programme. I think I’d have to start cracking open people’s skulls and eating their brains. Actually eat their brains.”
He added: “Now set me your phone.”