People, thousands, were forced to sit back in their armchairs and watch back-to-back football matches in what leading researchologists were calling “a controlled experiment designed to ascertain exactly how boring England are to watch on a scale of 1 to being in Milton Keynes”.
The results, startling, show that Sweden, whose 2-1 defeat to Ukraine was the first football match in the Scandinavian nation’s history not to end in a 1-1 draw, currently out-entertain England by a degree of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s touch and Sebastian Larsson’s every fourth or fifth set-piece.
Teebor Legwinski, Professor of Researchology at Grimsby Polytechnic, said: “I’ve never seen anything like it – people were actually turning round to each other during England v France and saying, ‘Do you fancy going to Milton Keynes?'”
“One person even stood up at half-time and announced their intention to retire to their room and listen to the band Keane, while there have been reports from up and down the country of spontaneous outbreaks of ironing, photocopying and data-inputting.
“It is only natural for people enveloped in advanced stages of tedium to reach out for the next least tedious thing or activity, so we can only conclude from the sheer number of people who switched the game off to watch Made in Chelsea on 4oD that England are now even more boring than we could possibly have imagined.”
He continued: “The implications of being even more boring than Sweden are too terrifying to contemplate. I can only implore the military to intervene.”