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England book penalty shootout defeat to steadier-nerved nation

The nation, conceivably any, will hold their nerve to dispatch a clean sweep of spot kicks, unencumbered by neurotic self-doubt and paralysing fear.

Gianluigi Buffon saves England penalty
Oh, look (Image: Football.ua)

England last night booked their place in a gut-wrenching penalty shootout defeat to a nation of an altogether sturdier constitution.

The nation, conceivably any, will hold their nerve to convert a clean sweep of spot kicks, unencumbered by neurotic self-doubt and paralysing fear of failure.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a lank-haired playmaker confirmed he will dictate proceedings to such an extent that we’ll all spend the following two years wondering why we told our young players to “JUST F***ING GET RID OF IT!” when they could have been dribbling golf balls in and out of snapping alligator jaws.

He said: “Just to gall you all that little bit more, I’ll dispatch my penalty with such √©lan and flamboyant nonchalance that your goalkeeper will be left psychologically crippled.

“He will sit out the first three months of the following season with a bruised ego, a torn spirit and a ruptured sense of self-worth.

“Your manager will be nicknamed for a vegetable, I guarantee it.”

Stay tuned for details of England’s infuriatingly attritional group stage matches resulting in narrow qualification by dint of a single-goal victory over fractionally direr opposition.

Who do you think England will lose a penalty shootout to this time? Have your say in the comments whatsit!

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