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England book penalty shootout defeat to steadier-nerved nation

The nation, conceivably any, will hold their nerve to dispatch a clean sweep of spot kicks, unencumbered by neurotic self-doubt and paralysing fear.

By Jonny Abrams

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Gianluigi Buffon saves England penalty
Oh, look (Image: Football.ua)

England last night booked their place in a gut-wrenching penalty shootout defeat to a nation of an altogether sturdier constitution.

The nation, conceivably any, will hold their nerve to convert a clean sweep of spot kicks, unencumbered by neurotic self-doubt and paralysing fear of failure.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, a lank-haired playmaker confirmed he will dictate proceedings to such an extent that we’ll all spend the following two years wondering why we told our young players to “JUST F***ING GET RID OF IT!” when they could have been dribbling golf balls in and out of snapping alligator jaws.

He said: “Just to gall you all that little bit more, I’ll dispatch my penalty with such élan and flamboyant nonchalance that your goalkeeper will be left psychologically crippled.

“He will sit out the first three months of the following season with a bruised ego, a torn spirit and a ruptured sense of self-worth.

“Your manager will be nicknamed for a vegetable, I guarantee it.”

Stay tuned for details of England’s infuriatingly attritional group stage matches resulting in narrow qualification by dint of a single-goal victory over fractionally direr opposition.

Who do you think England will lose a penalty shootout to this time? Have your say in the comments whatsit!