Downing West Ham-bound as Rodgers opens third envelope

Fake News » Downing West Ham-bound as Rodgers opens third envelope

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Stewart Downing
Downing beat off competition from Omid Djalili’s gay brother to sign for West Ham (Image: cady ϟ)

An agreement has been reached to make Stewart Downing West Ham United’s latest summer signing, Brendan Rodgers having opened his third and final envelope to reveal the midfielder’s name inside.

The Liverpool boss, growly, had previously sent Andy Carroll packing off to Upton Park, a move considered controversial since the target man wasn’t even at Anfield last season.

Carroll has maintained that, as such, he was not given a proper opportunity to let Rodgers down – the sole requisite of envelopedom – although no such complaints surrounded Jonjo Shelvey’s move to Swansea City.

Former England midfielder Downing will now become the third and final Liverpool player this summer to be shunted unceremoniously out to a fellow mid-table club.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Rodgers grumbled something barely intelligible about “the group” before turning his ire on “that ungrateful false 9, I was like a father to him and this is how he repays me”.

He said: “A lot of people ask me: would you rather be a great manager, a great father figure or a great public speaker?

“I say the three aren’t mutually exclusive.

“Okay?”

He added: “Where are you going?

“I’m not finished yet.”

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Hammers boss Sam Allardyce wiped BBQ sauce from his face with his napkin and confirmed that yes, he is planning on getting it out wide as quickly as possible and then straight into the box, and asked how we knew.

He harrumphed: “You’ve bloody ruined it now.”

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