The Arsenal fan said: “What a terrible summer. We sold our two best midfielders and replaced them with inferior players, we finally bought two defenders but too late to give them a pre-season to bed in properly, and last Sunday we suffered our heaviest defeat since the nineteenth century.”
The Spurs fan said: “That’s nothing. We spent all summer fannying about while we should have been signing a centre-forward, we’ve lost our first two games of the season 3-0 and 5-1 respectively, we’ve got a manager who doesn’t even speak to our chairman and who might end up in prison soon, and now everyone will take the piss out of us for failing to sign Kaka despite having had months to strike a deal.”
The Everton fan said: “That’s nothing. We sold our best player to keep the bank happy and replaced him with some lunatic on a season-long loan, our owner has no money and no clue but doesn’t look like selling up any time soon, our stadium is falling down but we can’t afford a new one, and our head of PR gets paid a wedge to spend all day flaming down concerned supporters on message boards under a fake name.”
The Aston Villa fan said: “That’s nothing. We sold two more England internationals to go with the two we sold in recent years, we loaned out a player we only bought last January and replaced him with Jermaine Jenas, we’ve got a manager that absolutely none of us wanted, and half our first team squad our barely out of nappies.”
The Newcastle fan said: “That’s nothing. Our two most influential players left to join a lower division team and a newly-promoted club respectively, we’re going into the new season with a strike force of Ba, Best, Ameobi and Lovenkrands, Sunderland have been snapping up good players left, right and centre, and we’re still being owned by a guy who I’m convinced is hell bent on destroying us.”
The Blackburn fan said: “That’s nothing. Our owners sacked a manager who had us in the top ten and replaced him with a guy with absolutely no experience, we’ve lost our first three games of the season, everyone takes the piss out of us over that stupid chicken advert, and we all have to go to our graves knowing that we once supported a team with El Hadji Diouf in it.”
There was no punchline.