The England striker celebrated a successful debut for the Potters, in which he helped Tony Pulis’ side to a 1-0 win over Liverpool, by taking his lovely wife Abbey Clancy out on Saturday night to see how their new locale compares to their favoured London hotspots.
Clancy, a Capricorn, had been reported as telling Jamie Redknapp that she wished to beat his father, Spurs boss Harry, to a bloody pulp and feed his remains to hungry dogs for condemning her to a life of marginally less luxury than she had previously been accustomed to.
However, Crouch, who thinks Arctic Monkeys are well good, has moved to quell rumours of marital unrest by insisting that he and his wife both agreed that the ‘two meals for £10’ deal at Ye Olde Crown Inn represents jolly good value.
He said: “Yeah, Abbey and I had a night out together on Saturday. It was…interesting.
“We’d had a tip-off from Ricardo Fuller about Ye Olde Crown so we thought we’d avail of their kind offer – and, I have to say, the scampi was downright decent. It came with a little pot of tartare sauce and it all went very nicely with my pint of Stone Banker.
“Abbey found her broccoli and cauliflower bake to be a bit heavy but, bless her silk thermals, she didn’t kick up a fuss when the barman asked her if Prosecco plays for Manchester City. We had to bring our own olives but, overall, it was an…interesting experience for both of us.”
Crouch continued: “We then headed down to the Sugarmill to check out this band that Danny Pugh recommended to us called The Fire Extinguishers. The floor was sticky and the singer seemed like a bit of a nobhead but they had a good energy.
“After the gig, we cabbed it down to Reflex for a bit of eighties cheese. Mixers were only £2 before eleven so I can’t remember too much about the night, although I have a distinct memory of trying to do The Robot to ‘More Than a Feeling’ while Rory Delap was projectile vomiting in the corner.
“He managed to get such distance on it that Kenwyne Jones threw himself at it head first. It was so totally gross. Fortunately, no-one up here seems to have a camera phone. I like that.
“After that, I can’t remember a thing until I woke up the next morning with a half-eaten donner and chips, a mouth like the Sahara and the mother of all hangovers. Abbey was nowhere to be found and I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”
He added: “I’m worried that she’s roaming around Cheshire looking for somewhere that sells wasabi peas and fat-free frozen yoghurt.
“These kinds of move can be confusing for everyone.”