Cardiff promoted on bad night for principled Welshmen

Fake News » Cardiff promoted on bad night for principled Welshmen

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Geoffrey Boycott
Boycott… Geoffrey (Image: Punchclub)

Hundreds of principled Welshmen were last night cursing their luck as Cardiff City confirmed their promotion to the Premier League after a string of botched attempts.

The Bluebirds, red, will become the second Welsh team in the top flight after bitter rivals Swansea City, with Gareth Bale FC’s impending move to La Liga denying Wales a triple-pronged assault on England’s elite football stage.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Daffyd admitted that seeing Cardiff promoted would have been nice, but maintained that he gets just as much pleasure from Saturday afternoon trips to Ikea and spending more time with the mother-in-law.

He said: “As long as Vincent Tan’s in charge and the team’s playing in red, I refuse to be a part of it all. That was my considered decision and I’m sticking to it.

“Obviously it would be nice to join in with the celebrations and follow Cardiff in the Premier League next season, but I really do get every bit as much enjoyment out of sitting in my armchair thinking about how gosh darn principled I am and how well that reflects on me as a person in general.

“Looks like it’s just me and my ideals from now on. That’s fine, though, I don’t need entertainment, pastimes or a sense of belonging to make me happy – I’ll be alright as long as I’ve got my pride, my cats and a fridge full of birthday cake. Lots of cats, lots of birthday cake.

“I’ve also taken up smoking heroin since giving up Cardiff. Is that normal? You stop going the match and you end up with loads of cats, a fridge full of birthday cake – even though it’s no-one’s birthday – and become a heroin addict? That happens, right?”

He continued: “It’s okay, really – I’ve no interest in going to Old Trafford, Anfield and the Emirates. Not when I’ve got my heroin, my Anime collection and a shopping bag full of my wife’s hair and nail clippings.

“Well, ex-wife – I boycotted her in 2004 when she changed her hair colour.”

Gruff said: “Looks like I picked the wrong season to stop sniffing glue.

“Did I say glue? I meant supporting Cardiff. Silly me.”

He added: “I do sniff a lot of glue, though.”

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