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“Bleeeeuuuuuuurrrrrrggggghhh!” declares defiant Walcott

By Jonny Abrams

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Theo Walcott
Walcott… Vommed all in Sturridge’s face (Img: Ronnie Macdonald)
Arsenal forward Theo Walcott has defiantly hit back at his doubters, declaring, “Bleeeeeeuuuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhh.”

Walcott, a Pisces, had been criticised for turning up to England’s training camp two hours late, projectile vomiting into Daniel Sturridge’s face and collapsing in a heap.

However, the former Southampton speed merchant seemed to be telling Football Burp that he thrives on such pressure and intends to shove a few words down certain people’s mouths.

He said: “Bleeeeeeeccccchhhhhh. *Spit* *Spit*

“Wur…wuuuurrrrr…baaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrfffff! *Cough* *Spit*

“HarrUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH HACK HACK HACK BLEEEUUURRRGH!”

England boss Roy ‘Psycho’ Hodgson confirmed that Chelsea forward Sturridge had been placed in quarantine to prevent him from kissing the other players or licking their food.

He said: “We’ve even stuck him in a little cage, it’s well funny.”

Sturridge was unavailable for comment.