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Barton bus journey home collapses, confirms Barton

By Jonny Abrams

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Queens Park Rangers person Joey Barton
Barton… Fink
Joey Barton’s bus ride home has fallen through, according to controversial Queens Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton.

Barton, who spends most of his time tweeting from an ivory tower atop a hillside in an undisclosed location, was all set to catch the bus home after a tiring day’s worth of telling his 1.8 million followers about which club he won’t be joining on loan today, and which animals this latest setback makes him want to repeatedly punch the face of.

However the bus, a Libra, announced on its own Twitter account that no agreement had been reached to drive Barton back to his mansion so that he could catch one of his frequent twenty-minute naps somewhere he can be securely fastened down by a maid or enslaved neighbour.

Barton said: “This is obviously a blow after the respective collapses of my moves to, er, Fleetwood Town and Marseille, but as a great man once said: ‘The death of a disco dancer, well, it happens a lot ’round here.’

“I’ve just got to knuckle down and accept that as long as everyone else in the world is a simpleton there’s a chance I won’t be allowed to be the best midfielder in England every now and then. It’s frustrating, of course – in fact it makes me want to roundhouse kick an anteater – but I’m a changed man now so I’ll cool myself down, watch a bit of Frasier then return to my ivory tower.

“If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. Knowharramean, like?”