Arsenal have announced that they intend to write to every supporter present at Sunday’s humiliating 8-2 defeat at Manchester United in order to offer them Nicklas Bendtner.
In the wake of their unsuccessful efforts to exchange Bendtner for Everton midfielder Mikel Arteta, the Gunners will now use the Danish forward as leverage in their attempts to repair relations with an increasingly disillusioned fan base.
While the nature of Sunday’s defeat was hard to stomach for the three thousand-odd Arsenal fans that made the trip up to Old Trafford, the club’s officials are hopeful of raising supporter morale by compensating each of them with a striker widely regarded as being among the top one hundred thousand in the world.
A club statement said: “Sunday’s result was obviously disappointing for everyone connected with Arsenal. Our travelling fans were magnificent throughout and we want to recognise their fantastic support.
“That’s why we will be writing to them shortly with details of how they can claim their very own Bendtner, completely free of charge. We had a word with Nicklas earlier and all he said was, ‘There’s plenty of Bendtner to go around, baby,’ so we’re confident that no-one will be left empty-handed.
“This guy scored against Barcelona at the Nou Camp, so how impressed will your friends be when they notice him stashed snugly on your mantelpiece next to the framed photo of you with Ian Selley in Copenhagen, or crouching by your front door holding pairs of shoes up with his back?
“In other news, the winner of our Armand Traore raffle has been announced as Neil from Shepherd’s Bush, while our supporters may be interested to know that there’s a free Marouane Chamakh for the first twenty people spotted wearing an Arsenal shirt in public over the next two weeks.
“Good luck and please don’t watch any other sports during the international break.”
As a further gesture, embattled manager Arsene Wenger says that he would be only too happy to use the £10 million ring-fenced for German international defender Per Metesacker in order to take each and every Arsenal fan for “a nice meal out”.
Writing on his Unseen Incidents and Other Musings blog, Wenger said: “How about Le Mercury on Upper Street? They do a fabulous poulet roti with carrot and marjoram puree and green peppercorn sauce.
“I thought we could wash that down with a nice, cool Sancerre before going back to my place to watch Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday. My wife’s making crème brûlée and there’s enough cognac in the cellar to bring down Stoke’s entire forward line.
“How does that sound? Let’s say tomorrow night? We can go to the opera this weekend but I would have to pull the plug on the Santos deal to cover the cost of all the tuxedo fittings. It’ll be good, though.”
He added: “Let me know. Kisses!”