Arsenal sign old man dressed as Gandalf for defensive cover
- By Football Burp
Arsenal have signed an old man dressed as Gandalf from Lord of the Rings for an undisclosed fee.
Arsène Wenger will instruct him to stand on the edge of the area bellowing “you shall not pass” at opposition attackers.
The Gunners boss hopes that this will prove sufficient in the absence of key defensive personnel.
Laurent Koscielny, Per Mertesacker and Gabriel all incurred injuries wheeling Jack Wilshere back and forth from hospital.
With only Calum Chambers, Rob Holding and Gunnersaurus still standing, Wenger moved quickly to secure experienced cover.
Arsenal had hoped to sign Jonny Evans from West Brom before Tony Pulis threatened the player with a naked headbutt.
But with the arrival of the old man dressed as Gandalf, they believe they have the next best thing.
He is expected to start the season opener against Liverpool in a makeshift back four marshalled by Gunnersaurus.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Wenger was hopeful of opposition attackers heeding the old man’s words.
He said: “When he tells them they shall not pass, obviously we are hoping they will listen.
“Of course there is a chance they will ignore him, but in football you can never know what to expect.
“Always when Arsenal sign someone people are quick to make jokes, but this man really looks like Gandalf.
“People see Man City signing John Stones for £50m, but for me this is a player who’s too keen on a pass.
“So maybe Stones could learn a thing or two from Gandalf the Gunner.”
Meanwhile, Arsenal hope to sign a ten-metre roll of police tape and a rickety old fence.