Arsenal were officially declared mediocre at Saturday’s ceremonial FA Cup exit at the Emirates, as overjoyed fans vowed to adjust their expectations accordingly.
The Gunners, limp, had the honorary status conferred on them by Blackburn Rovers forward Colin Kazim-Richards, who quickly shoved a goal past them before going around the stadium shaking everyone by the hand while saying “welcome to mediocrity” in six different languages.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, club scout Gilles Grimandi stated his delight at finally qualifying for humdrum after years of trying.
He said: “It’s like a dream come true, it really is.
“When lads like Gervinho and Giroud first arrived, I walked them around the pitch and told them that one day they’d be playing for the most bog average side in Europe. They laughed then, but after their first attackers v defenders training session they came and found me to say that I was right, that they believed in my vision.
“Arsene Wenger made Arsenal very good at being good, even going a whole season unbeaten, but if you keep doing the same things forever then you’ll go stale eventually.
“That’s why he decided to push the boat out for mid table, and fingers crossed we’re well on the way now. I’m just glad I could play my part, and grateful that I didn’t screw it all up and end up a top manager like Remi Garde did.
“It’s not been easy – Arshavin and Ramsey, for instance, have had to have a lot of quality coached out of them – so a trophyless decade would really vindicate all the hard work everyone’s put in.”
Chris, an Arsenal fan from Finsbury Park, told Football Burp of the relief he feels at finally supporting a mediocre club.
He said: “Qualifying for the Champions League year after year can really take its toll, especially when you never win the bloody thing.
“Frankly, I’m delighted with the direction the club’s going in – unencumbering myself of all those stressful expectations could put years on my life, while the absence of European away games frees me up to spend time with the kids. It would be nice for them not to think of their daddy as just the man who hospitalised their cat after the 2011 League Cup final.
“This could be a new lease of life for all of us.”
Wenger was not available for comment as he was busy drawing up a list of transfer targets in invisible ink.