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Agbonlahor One Direction tackle condemned by psychotic children

"I shall vanquish Gabby Agbonlahor and eat his bones," vows creepy kid with glowing red eyes.

By Jonny Abrams

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Gabriel Agbonlahor
Agbonlahor… Agballond’or? (Image: Dagur Brynjólfsson)

We all love a good Gabriel Agbonlahor One Direction tackle – or so we thought, but psychotic children have taken to Twitter in their thousands to condemn the hilarious incident.

1D member Louis Tomlinson, 12 and a half, was sent sprawling to the turf by the Villa forward’s close attentions, a proximity that also caused Tomlinson to vomit unceremoniously on the sidelines soon afterwards.

While right-minded people across the country chortled heartily at what they deemed to be a victory for real, actual music and real, actual footballers, social networking sites were all atwitter with the vengeful invective of dangerously unstable infants.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, one seriously creepy kid with glowing red eyes and a solemn facial expression used his mind to send a kitchen knife whizzing straight past us and into a poster of Agbonlahor pinned to the wall behind.

She said: “That Agbonlahor One Direction tackle was one Agbonlahor One Direction tackle too many.

“I would personally like to make it known that I intend to find Agbonlahor, take to his face with a cheese grater, then rearrange all the disassembled face bits into some kind of grotesque Picasso formation.

“As my next move, I should fashion this grim visage into a Masquerade mask to be held aloft at all times as a warning to any other Aston Villa footballers who may be thinking about visiting harm upon any of my arbitrarily appointed heroes.

“I shall vanquish Gabby Agbonlahor and eat his bones.”

Agbonlahor was unavailable for comment as he was too busy pointing his index and middle fingers at his eyes then turning them at Harry Styles.

How hard did you laugh at the Agbonlahor One Direction tackle? Have your say in the comments section down there somewhere…