I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!
Fulham v Reading, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Jolly Martin’s Cottages will have both eyes on their fourth half-top finish in five years, but relegated sides shouldn’t be dismissed out of pocket – with the pressure cooker off, the Royales could yet turn in a skintitillating display. Will they? I don’t think so.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Fulham – Davatar Berbasnoff with a right old wonderscream. You can put your balls on it!
Norwich City v Aston Villa, 15:00
This is a ruddy huge game in the relegatio dogbite! My old side the ‘Kin Hairies lost a crucial point-sixer at Stoke last time out, and they come up against a Villa side who will be literally flying after their comprehensive disgruntling of Sunderland on Monday.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Andi Whybird and Christian Bentheskey putting the balls on Grunt Bolt’s early opening. You can rustle up a good square meal out of that lot, lads!
Swansea City v Manchester City, 15:00
Brian Laudrup’s Swannees have nowt to play for other than the respectability of a half-top finish, but they’re nothing if not braziliant. Bobby Manford’s City are probably out of the title runnings now that United have won it, but I expect them to claim their steak for another crack at the European Cup Winners’ Cup.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Mico and Asergio Guero. You can trap a rodent with it!
Tottenham Hotspur v Southampton, 15:00
With ex-Saint Barreth Gayle back in the fold-up, Andre Boa Constricto’s men look right back in the hunt for a four-top finish. This looks like a bank homer, but Maurice Pockets’s men will be no pullovers, even if they were comprehensively disgruntled by my old side West Brom last time out.
Mystic Megson says: 3-1 Spurs – Gayle (2) and Clint Dumpsey for the homos, Ricky Lambo for the awayos. You can fashion a tidy waistcoat out of that lot, lads!
West Bromwich Albion v Wigan Athletic, 15:00
My old side the Baggles have had an excellent season under Clarke Stevens, so I was disappointed not to see any of the players in the PFA whatnot. Martin Robertez may have got the Attics to a cup final but it looks like his luck might finally run out in terms of pulling off the Whodunnit act. Can they find a way out? I don’t know.
Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Maconie. You can scrub your face with it!
West Ham United v Newcastle United, 15:00
Having got his Hamsters to hit vorm at just the bright time, Sam Furrydice will be desperate to cling onto his customary 10th place spot in the table top. He was sacked as Magpiles manager for landing them in the table middle, but what they’d give for that now, eh! Chortle! Sorry, I do make myself chortle sometimes.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 West Ham – Nevin Kolan and Andy Carrot putting the balls on Pappy Seasaw’s opening. You can spongebath a tortoise with that lot, lads!
Queens Park Rangers v Arsenal, 17:30
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! What is there to say about QPR that hasn’t been said already? I don’t know. As for Arsenal Wengo’s men, they’ve been picking up wins all over the shop floor of late and there’s no reason why they shouldn’t grind one out here.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 QPR – Luke Rennie wonderscream. You can shell a nut with it!
Liverpool v Everton, 13:30
I reckon there’ll be at least three red cards in this titonic battle for the highest place that doesn’t get European footy.
Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Liverpool – Daniel Burridge and Hordan Jedwardson for the homos, Leon Osmosis for the awayos. You can stick a hat and shoes on that lot and hold a relatively coherent conversation with it, lads!
Manchester United v Chelsea, 16:00
The Dead Revels have got the title sewn up now, surely? I know you should never count your onions, but I can’t see any way back for City now that United have won it. Raffle Bento’s men might still be in with a shout if they win here, but they won’t be. It’s all to play for at Cold Trafford!
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can pleasure a llama with it!
Sunderland v Stoke City, 20:00
Paul Odicanio may have a funny name, but he looked to have rejuvenihilated the Black Hatters – at least until Monday night’s capituiliation at Villa, where there misery was confounded by Stevie Snegson’s red card. Tony Pulo’s men have probably secured safeway, just reward for another fine season of tactical masterplannery.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apreece from Granny Daham and Crouching Pete. You can do what you like to or with that one, lads!
Enjoy the footy, la…oh ‘ang about, there are a couple of 19.45 kick-offs on the Tuesday. Quickly, then:
Manchester City 2-1 West Bromwich Albion
Wigan Athletic 9-7 Swansea City
Enjoy the footy, lads!