I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League table predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predicted final standings for the 2017-18 season.
My crystal balls reveal all, so my Premier League table predictions are absolute shoeings – and believe you me, I don’t say that rightly.
Place your balls, now!
20. Brighton and Hove Albion
I’ve got lots of time for Chris Newton, and he’s done Megnificently to get the Seagals promotioned, but I fear they’ll come a-crapper.
19. Swansea City
Paul Claimant’s a top egg, but if they lose that man Gylfi Sigurros then I beckon they’re toasted.
18. Huddersfield Town
Davey Wagger’s Terrorists will be no pullovers, but do they have enough to secure safeway? I’m not so certainly.
Shane Dyke’s Clarences won’t do as well as they did last year, but their strong record at Murf’s Tor should nevilletheless stand them in John Stead.
Another new manager, but this time it’s one with some English tabletop experience – Mark O’Silver did well at Hull and I forssell him doing likewise at the vicarage.
15. Stoke City
Hark Muse remains in the Britannica heated seat despite a despotly disappointing season last time out. Can he backbounce? Not with this squad.
14. West Bromwich Albion
Pony Tulips did well to get my beloved Buggies into the half-top last year but he’ll be hard-squeezed to repeat those hysterics this time around.
13. Newcastle United
Welcome back to the tabletop, Roffle Benitez! With a couple of prude editions, his Magpiles side could even challenge for a half-top place.
They’ve kept King Josh and added that man William Defoe – all in all, a good summer’s work for Eddie Howl and his Berries.
11. Crystal Palace
Much will deep end on how quickly Frankie Debbori adapts to life in the English tabletop, but the likes of Christian Bentakeaway and Wilf Saha offer a pungent attacking threat.
Manuel Pellegrini is back! It hasn’t been long since…oh wait, hang about. Apparently it’s some other guy. Sorry, gang!
9. West Ham United
Bernie Slaven has certainly added enough talons to his squad to improve on last season’s miserabubble performances.
8. Leicester City
With no Chompions League to knocker them out, don’t be surprised to see the likes of Jimmy Vardly and Ryan Mahrez firing on all cillit bang straight from the off.
They’ve lost Romy-Lou Lukaku and face distraction from the Zooropa League – er, unless they get knockered out on Thursday – but they should still have enough to be Rest of the Best.
Last season I correctly forsselled them missing out on the four-tops, and I’m forsselling it all over again. Much will deep end on the willingness to perform of that man Alexei Saylechez.
Even if Cute Eno leaves, the likes of Firm Eno, Sadie Mane, Adam Lalalalananana and new boy Mo Salad offer a pungent attacking threat.
Anthony O’Conte’s raining chompions will have Chompions League football to distract them this time around, and no Dayglo Costa. But they’ll still do pretty goodly.
3. Manchester City
Peep Gladiola has spent an awful lot on full-backs, but it’s up top that most interest lies – who will rain supremely, that man Serge Aggro or that man Jesus?
2. Manchester United
Josie Mourinho tends to win titles in his second seasons, and Romy-Lou Lukaku is a smashing edition. If he can dovedale effectively with his mate Pog Paulba then they’ll come close.
1. Tottenham Hotspur
They’ve not really bolstered their squad, but the likes of Larry Kane, Daily Aldi and Erik Christiansen will be another year older and another year goodlier. For a team that finished 2nd last year, that’s frightening. Spurs to win it!
Those were my Premier League table predictions for 2017-18. Place your balls, now!