Tweety Camera’s Twits of the Week: Cole, Fjortoft, Simpson, Shreeves, Lineker, Babel…

By Jonny Abrams

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Tweety Camera's Twits of the Week!Hello everyone! I’m former Liverpool and West Ham United forward Tweety Camera, and I’m a right nosy so-and-so.

All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the following Twits do not necessarily reflect my own – signed Tweety Camera, formerly of Liverpool and West Ham United

Afternoon all! I hope you’ve been enjoying the Euros as much as I have, even if my sneaky each-way bet on the Irish looks to have come to nought barring something truly dramatic. Alas, all this sitting around watching football and scoffing Dairylea Lunchables has taken me well over my fighting weight, a problem not shared by Watford youngster Bernard Mensah…

I had similar the other day after we used the hot weather as an excuse to stick the telly on the windowsill and watch the match in the garden over a barbecue. I had to shave off my dungarees with a Mach 3. Nasty business, but you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth (and the Mach 3 is indeed a very smooth, close shave – thanks, Gillette!) Take West Ham United play-off hero Carlton Cole, who was just trying to unwind on holiday when he found himself having to shake off the attentions of some rather unusual fans…

LOL! What happened next, Carlton?

Erm…where’s Newcastle United full-back Danny Simpson?

Oh right, yeah. Well, at least jocular Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves is still on duty…

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! Geoff, you’re absolutely mental! LOLOLOLOL! Oh my goodness, I think I might actually throw up. Deary me. I think I’m okay now.

LOLOLOLOLOL!!! Sorry Gary, I keep thinking about Geoff’s Gloria Gaynor joke. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!! Anyway, former Middlesbrough and Swindon Town striker Jan Aage Fjortoft has been name-dropping…

Strange team that must have been, Jan. I once moonlighted for my nephew’s under-9s side on the proviso that I wasn’t allowed to shoot or tackle. I was happy enough with my own performance, but the other lads let us down badly that day as we fell to a crushing 4-2 defeat. The dressing room was a very quiet place after that, I can tell you.

LOLOLOL!! “Unlike the other Gloria”…classic. Anyway, what’s up, young Bolton Wanderers striker Sanmi Odelusi?

Not nice way to talk about your new girlfriend, Sanmi – unless you’re talking about a pet chick, in which case the fact that it looks like Rihanna is most noteworthy. I once had a turtle that looked like Henry Kissinger, except for the glasses obviously.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!! Yep, still Geoff’s joke. Sorry. LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!


Happy birthday Stoke City goalkeeper Thomas Sorensen, and enjoy your weekend everybody!