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Tweety Camera’s Twits of the Week: Puyol, Luiz, Sterling, Odemwingie, Owen, Ameobi

By Jonny Abrams

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Tweety Camera's Twits of the Week: Puyol, Luiz, Sterling, Odemwingie, Owen, AmeobiHello everyone! I’m former Liverpool and West Ham United forward Tweety Camera, and I’m a right nosy so-and-so.

All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the following Twits do not necessarily reflect my own – signed Tweety Camera, formerly of Liverpool and West Ham United

Hello everyone! What are you all up to?

LOL! Gel head! What else has been going on down Melwood way?

LOLOLOL!!! You know, I really miss the dressing room banter from my Liverpool days. Karl-Heinz Riedle and I used to have this thing where he’d call me a ‘spiv’, I’d LOL! really hard and say, “You, Karl, are also a spiv!”

Then he’d roll his eyes and get back to whatever it was he happened to be doing at the time. You had to be there, really.

I know Frode Kippe found it funny because he once laughed so hard that he had to throw up into a cone.

Actually, I think that happened twice, and one time Steve Staunton had to shampoo some sick out of Frode’s hair.

Good times. LOL! Have you been having boisterous larks at Newcastle United, Sammy Ameobi?

LOL! That’s pretty bad, but it can’t beat this cracker from Ian Pearce back in my West Ham days – we were in a club celebrating a hard-earned draw at home to Bolton Wanderers, when Pearcey, confidence flowing from scoring the opening goal, went up to this young lady and said, “You look like a girl who likes title-winners.”

She shot him a confused look, at which he proceeded to explain who he was, how he’d won the 1995 Premier League with Blackburn Rovers, and that his goal earlier that day had earned us a point against Sam Allardyce’s pugnacious Trotters side, who of course would go on to narrowly avoid the drop at our expense.

Anyway, she ended up going home with Gary Breen. LOLOLOLOL!!!

No offence, Pearcey, but that was a classic strike-out!

Good question, Peterborough United defender Gabriel Zakuani. Scott Minto once said to me, “No offence, Tweety, but a dog chained to a lamppost would have been more effective out there than you today.” Even though he said “no offence”, I definitely remember taking offence. It was at that moment that I learned a crucial lesson about life in English football: you can only trust yourself.

It was soon after that that I left English football.

As a footballer, though, you can always trust celebrity chefs. The more eccentric, the more trustworthy – that was my rule. Just ask Lee Dixon…

See? I myself struck up a very firm friendship with Gary Rhodes which sadly came to an end when we both auditioned to be lead role in a Tate & Lyle advert. “No offence, Tweety,” he said, “but you couldn’t act your way out of a puff pastry.” There was no coming back from that.

I was so exited about that, too. I happen to love sugar.

LOL! I knew I shouldn’t have listened to you, Peter. Sorry Youssouf! Frimpong, have you come in for any unwelcome attention of late?

LOL! As someone who was listed in both 100 Players Who Shook The Kop and 10 Players Who Shook The Kop With Laughter, I’m quite used to encountering adulation and opprobrium in equal measures.

It’s something I also encountered in my recently revoked capacity as Sports Minister of my native Guinea – one day you’re the greatest sports minister in the world, the next you’re being asked to clean the chocolate stains off your desk so the next guy can navigate a mouse friction-free.

My old team mate Michael Owen knows how people’s opinion of you can vary. Don’t you, Michael?

LOL! Leave it out, Rio! It’s a fact of life that some players are treated harshly. My time in the Premier League was a veritable catalogue of refereeing decisions that didn’t go my way.

“Can I go to the toilet?”
“No, Tweety.”

“Can I have a free-kick for that anyway?”
“No, Tweety.”

“Do I have to wear red?”
“Yes, Tweety.”

“Does tickling count as a foul?”
“Yes, Tweety.”

“Can I carry my Lucozade around with me on the pitch?”
“No, Tweety.”

But you never heard me complain. Oh no, not old Tweety! I just rolled my sleeves up and got my head down.

I’m not sure how either of those things are meant to help – I just had cold arms and couldn’t see where I was going – but I did it anyway, because that’s the kind of pro I was.

“You don’t have to actually roll your sleeves up, you dipstick” – I’ve never been sure what Karl-Heinz meant by that, but we all had a good laugh about it anyway. Especially Frode! LOLOLOL!!!

Razor! My fellow former Liverpool and West Ham player! What are you up to now?

Basingstoke, you say? It’s a little bit out of the way, but I love a good meal as much as you do. The desserts are on me!

LOL! You always have been a man after my own heart, Razor.

I better go and choose an outfit for tonight. Does anyone else have any good stories before I go?

LOL! Oh, Clarke!

I don’t believe you, Reece.

LOL! That sure showed me! Maybe he knew who you were?

AAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!

“Last few hours with this”, you say? What next?

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL!!

Seriously though, Carles, that looked like a bad injury. Glad to see you’re on the mend.

LOL! Be warned, ladies at exhibitions!

Agreed.

Agreed.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you next week, everyone!

Tune in every Thursday for more from Football Burp’s very own Tweety Camera!